The Joke Shop

I’ve been looking for these for ages, ever since I saw one parked on a car. They contain a memo that says: ‘THANKS!… FOR PARKING SO CLOSE. NEXT TIME LEAVE A FUCKING CAN-OPENER SO I CAN GET MY CAR OUT. ARSEHOLES LIKE YOU SHOULD TAKE A BUS.’ Now, I’m sure you can think of a situation when one of these would have been useful for you. You know, when some idiot parks right up to you and you just can’t move one way or the other. Well, I’ve been looking for these for ages and might just get myself a pad of cheeky memos for Christmas.

Its from the funny gifts section at Find Me A Gift, where they have an entire section devoted to the funniest gifts you could fine this side of Christmas. From Yo Mama Toilet Roll all the way to the Inflatable Boob Pillow; you’re bound to find something that will please just about anyone.

Check them out!

• you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
• you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”
• you think your computer looks better without the cover.
• you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
• you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions about the sony hdr-cx150.
• the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
• you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
• you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

• you refer to dating as test marketing.
• when you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them or send them graduation invitations, if they’ll help with the down payment.
• your favorite stories begin “Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window…”
• when you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an “unprecedented performance”.
• when you describe a product as “maintenance-free” you mean that it is impossible to fix it.
• you insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

The Devil tells a salesman who specialised in snow chains for trucks, “Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived.”

“Well,” says the salesman, “what do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the salesman says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside a Sferra shop when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, ‘Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?’

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?’ He tries.

The two continue to stare.

‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’

‘Why?’ says the youth, ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours! They were the Best tablet online I could find.”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

“Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”

“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning clutching my walmart coupons, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.

What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.

What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing. Peanuts can’t talk.

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
Nothing. He didn’t recognise them because they were wearing julbo sunglasses.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a computer?
A lot of memory.

How can you tell if an elephant checked out a library book before you did?
When you open it, peanut shells fall out.

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?
That way he always nose where he stopped reading.

Why did the elephant wear green tennis shoes?
His white ones were in the wash.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?
They are both purple, except for the elephant.

Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone, the incredible s virgin.  Betty is excited, she loves her phone.  Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, ‘Hi ya, Betty,’ he says, ‘how do you like your new phone?’ Betty replies, ‘I just love it, it’s so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one feature that I really don’t understand though.’

‘What’s that, Betty?’ asks the husband.

‘How did you know that I was at Tesco?’

Here’s a great joke if you work in one of those Audiologist Jobs:

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”