A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were being interviewed. As part of the process, they were given 2 brass ball bearings, left alone for a while, then asked what they had done.
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, wearing one of those NFL Jerseys that was a few sizes too large for him, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child’s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”
A blond walked into a store one day looking for a television. She finds the one that she was looking for on a shelf next to a tv stand, so she picks it up and takes it up to the front to pay for it.
The guy working at the cash register looks at her and says “Sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell anything to blonds.” Frustrated, the blond sets the TV down and storms out. She gets an idea, and goes out and buys a brunette wig. The next day, she walks in, grabs the same TV set and takes it up to the cash register. The guy says, “Like I told you yesterday, ma’am, we don’t sell anything to blonds.”
She angrily sets the TV down and storms out. The next day, she walks in with a redhead wig and takes the television up to pay for it. The guy looks at her and says “For the last time, we don’t sell our merchandise to blonds.”
Aggravated, the blond shouts “Well, damnit, why not?” The guy stares at her and replies “Let me put it to you this way,” he points to the TV, “that’s a microwave.”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and tries to get the attention of a clerk who was sorting out moth traps. Heasks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!”
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red ‘A’ under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
‘Was it the nuns that did it?’, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, ‘No.’
‘Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?’
‘No.’
‘The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?’
‘Nope,’ said the son. ‘On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!’
After my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. He had tried all the usual diets and even tried Lipovox, but really needed some help.
While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.
When it was over, my husband turned to me. “Did you ever notice,” he asked, “that they never advertise celery on TV?”
One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world’s fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, teryx exhaust, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool million.
He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He’s just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.
“Now THAT’S a car,” the old guy says with awe. “What on earth did that cost you?”
“Three million,” the rich guy proclaimed. “And that was a steal. This here is the world’s fastest commercial vehicle.”
“You’re kidding!” the old guy scoffed. “How fast?”
“350.”
The old guy’s jaw dropped. “Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?”
“Not at all,” the rich guy said.
The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. “That’s a fine car,” he said, nodding his head.
Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.
He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can’t figure out what’s going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. “But that’s impossible,” he thought to himself.
Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.
The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.
“Oh, my God!” the rich guy said, horrified. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes,” the old man responded feebly. “Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
Here are some quotes I came across in my surf around the Web
Some good ones eh?
A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ‘I think it’s raining,’ he said to his wife.
‘No, that felt more like snow to me,’ she replied.
‘No, I’m sure it was just rain’ he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have an almighty argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist party official walking toward them. ‘Let’s not fight about it,’ the man said, ‘let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.’
As the official approached, the man said, ‘Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?’
‘It’s raining, of course,’ he answered and walked on.
But the woman insisted: ‘I know that felt like snow!’
To which the man quietly replied: ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!’
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. It’s a 2-factor case that is not always true however.”
“In some languages, “, he continued,”, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’
