Here’s a great joke if you work in one of those Audiologist Jobs:
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
The governments has decided to grant a special holiday to mark the death of Osama Bin Laden. So sing : “we’re all going on Osama holiday!”
You wouldn’t want to be a Venus fly-trap in Libya at the moment …
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. #funnyoneliners
A Jew has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it’s definitely race related. <- One for the weekend
If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy Cyber Monday Netbooks since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for Digital Cameras for Cyber Monday would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
A man was getting a quick trim prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s ric
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