“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

“You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch, baring errors and omissions.”

The man perks up.

“So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite worktops.”

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up, having just completed an icverify audit. “Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy. “Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a Week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.

The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper, “Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please”.

The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room. He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.

The man says “That’s not a waist coat for a chicken!”

To which the shopkeeper replies, “No sir, but it’s the closest we’ve got – A PULLOVER FOR A COCK”

St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Mickey Mouse likes Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers Root beer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

That’s pretty interesting now isn’t it? So, when was the last time that you went to Disneyland?

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big cellular shades, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

-”But grandpa, I really don”t like guns. How about you leave me your golf gps watch instead?”

-”Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then……pointa to you watch and a say, TIME’S UP?”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with,

‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? ‘

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man woke out of his progene-induced haze, leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am…?

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?’ I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight……let’s pretend that we’re married’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed..

‘Good,’ she replied. ‘Get your own ******* blanket.’

After a moment of silence…he farted.

The End