The Joke Shop » Jokes

Where’s my computer’s warranty?

Owen — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 22:47:39 +0000

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute on Cyber Monday, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem.

First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: “Did you check to see whether the power was on?” “Of course.”

DED: “Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?” “Of course.”

DED: Then why are you calling me?” “Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,” pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

“Of course there is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover!”

Shopping for a husband

Owen — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 22:31:20 +0000

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. The husbands aren’t quite personalized gifts, but you can definitely find what you’re after.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Vodka, cigars or lawyers ..

Owen — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 21:59:11 +0000

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
“In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

Five steps to a healthy diet

Owen — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 21:43:17 +0000

If you’ve spent too much money on discount diet pills, check out the Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for Gourmets that advises you to:

List your ten favorite foods.
List your five favorite beverages.
List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little tree
List water

Avoid 1 and 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

Guess what, this will actually work. That should be quite fun to try, what do you think?

A teenager is ..

Owen — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 22:07:11 +0000

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast, followed by vitamins for acne.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Who let the dogs out?

Owen — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 22:01:57 +0000

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new herbal sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

Hair Loss Treatment

Owen — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 21:57:42 +0000

Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. He had tried everything including the best shampoo for hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise.

Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man’s scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.

After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. “What the hell did you give me?” he demanded.

“It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth.”

“Aha!” exclaimed the man. “That would explain the size of my balls!”

The actor and his agent ..

Owen — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 22:28:30 +0000

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighbourhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smouldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?” “Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog, broke your flat screen TV and burned your home theater seating.”

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”

[Adult] The Fancy Dress Party

Owen — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:38:58 +0000

This bloke decides to throw a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends too. He didn’t want the usual pirate costumes or anything normal, so on the invitation he puts: “Fancy dress party – come as a human emotion.”

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest.

“Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” the hosts asks.

“I’m green with envy,” the guy answers.

“Brilliant, come on in and have a drink,” replies the host.

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.

“Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” he asks.

“I’m tickled pink.”

“I love it, come on in and join the party.”

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, “Fuck me, you could get arrested out on the street like that. What the hell are you supposed to be?”

The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), “Well, I’m fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair.”

What they really mean at the gym ..

Owen — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:51:47 +0000

In The Zone – Tired and incoherent during a workout. Commonly described out of the gym as “spaced out.”
Extended Warm-Up – 20 minutes at low tension on the stationary bike then 20 minutes of casual stretching then a shower.
“Just One More Rep” – Said to a spotter during a set. Really means: “Lift the weight for me.”
Forced Reps – For the reluctant exerciser, every single rep of a workout is a forced rep. This is especially true when they have a mean trainer.
Hack Squat – The position a cat gets into when he’s coughing up a hairball, commonly mistaken as a leg exercise.
“Can I work in with you?” – Translation: “Can I remove all your weights and sweat all over your bench?”
Drop Sets – What sometimes happens after doing a hard set of dumbell bench presses. A triple drop set occurs when you drop two dumbells and yourself to the floor.
Bulking Up – Name for the phase during which an otherwise healthy trainer will try to get bigger and fatter on purpose.
“I’m maxing out” – Translation: “I was going for 6 reps but I put too much weight on the bar and only got 1.”
Cool-down – Sit on a bench and drink from a water bottle while talking about how much more you’ll lift next time.
Olympic Bar – Athlete’s nightclub.
E-Z Bar – “How dare you! I’m not that type of bar.”
Squat rack – The lonliest piece of equipment in the gym.
“It’s all you!” – Said by spotter during the last few reps of a set. Translatation: “It’s mostly me.”
Pro-hormones – Hormones that have lost their amateur status.
Meal Replacement Supplement – Cold pizza and warm beer with a sprinkling of hgh.
Clean and Press – Surprisingly enough, it’s a shoulder exercise, not laundry instructions. A variation of it is even known as the Hang Clean and Press.
High Intensity Interval Training – Occurs when there are two or more flights of stairs leading up to the gym.
Skullcrushers – An exercise where you make like you’re going to bash your own head in with a barbell, a.k.a. lying tricep extensions.
“Hold the contraction at the top and squeeze for 10 seconds” – Said by a personal trainer when he or she wants to punish the client for missing a session.