A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
The boy’s father replied, “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays and can build a car from all the Ferrari parts people chuck out!”
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men, dressed in hip hop clothes, to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!” “Well”, says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.” So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man, “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.” “No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home.”
Now they’re down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the freaking chair!”
After refurbishing one of his entertainment centers, a commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left. The owner says, “Fine, what kind of shop do you have?” The guy says, “A men’s wear shop.”
The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. “Men’s wear,” says the man.
A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked, he says he wants “Men’s wear” on his sign. The owner tells him that the left-hand shop will be the same. “No problem,” says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men’s wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies, “Entrance.”
A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.
After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, “Look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, don’t get me a personalized gift again, buy something that will surprise me!”
A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell some disability insurance to a farmer. He wasn’t getting anywhere, so he thought he”d try to sell a life policy instead.
“Look at it this way,” he said finally. “How would your wife carry on if you should die?”
“Well . . .” drawled the weather-beaten man, “I don’t reckon that’d be any concern of mine — long as she behaves herself while I’m alive.”
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together travelling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.”Im the worlds greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.”I’m the smartest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”"You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack full of netbooks.”
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2″ disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’s all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. That worked on the orange county web designer when I tried it.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
* “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
* “That’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
* “So — what are you wearing?”
* “Wait, let me pass you to computer service orange county, Yeah, it’s the OC, man!”
* “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
* “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
* “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
* “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
* “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
* “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
* “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”
* “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”
Chemists tend to get left out when it comes to silly jokes. So hang up your lab coats and get ready to enjoy this extra helping of funny ones.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What element do women use to get dates?
Tellurium
What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car?
Radon baby!
Where does one put the dishes?
Zinc
What does one do if one can’t zwim?
Zinc
What happens when electrons lose their energy?
They get Bohr’ed. What are?
What is Ba(Na)2 ?
Banana
What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs
What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
Barium.
What is the purpose of a doctor?
Helium.
What do you call a convict who dresses up as a clown?
Silicon.
A truck driver was heading down the highway after buying some truck accessories when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”
