1. Massage Therapist: Your appointment is for 9 A.M. If I’m not on time, start without me.
2. Massage Therapist: Let me know if that’s too much pressure. I don’t want to torture you. That would be an added charge.
3. Massage Therapist (monologuing): I’m going to be doing frictions which can be a little unpleasant. It’s at this point patients sometimes say (in a Sean Connery accent) “Do you expect me to talk?” And I say (wigged out Goldfinger voice): “I expect you to die, Mr. Bond!”
4. Client: What’s in the massage oil?
Massage Therapist: Patchouli and some Rosemary. It smells nice. I tried using holy water once but it burns! It BURNS!
5. Massage Therapist: Is the pressure okay?
Client: How will I know if it’s not “okay”?
Massage Therapist: If you see dead relatives beckoning you toward a bright light, that would be one clue.
6. Client: So…where did you get your training?
Massage Therapist: I’d like to say a I learnt at a massage therapy program online but the truth is: Prison.
Client (hushed gasp): Oh.
7. Client: By that pressure, I’d say you don’t like me very much.
Massage Therapist: (Easing up.) No, no! Thank you for telling me the pressure was too much for you. If I really didn’t like you, I’d use the lawn mower manoeuvre.
Client: (Curious) Ah, and what’s that?
Massage Therapist: I wrap a long towel around your head several times, place one foot on your back, take one end of the towel and, er…start you up!
Client descends into silence for the rest of the hour, tips generously and scurries out.
8. Client: Jeez! That trigger point really hurt!
Massage Therapist: Yeah, if only I would use my powers for good instead of evil.
9. Massage Therapist: Would you like some Tiger Balm down your spine?
Client: No. You shouldn’t use that! It’s not ecologically sound! It’s made with real tigers!
Massage Therapist: Ma’am, I can assure you that Tiger Balm is not that expensive. I’ve looked at the ingredients and I’m sure it does not contain any tiger residue whatsoever.
Client: Oh. Um. Okay.
Massage Therapist: The Baby Powder, however, contains 96% actual babies.
10. Client: I’m thinking of becoming a Massage Therapist myself. In the job I have now all I hear is complaints and people tell me their problems all day.
Massage Therapist: Spoken as a true healer.
Massage Therapist: What is it you do now, again?
Client: I’m a nurse.
Massage Therapist: (Speechless.)