The Joke Shop

Why is marriage like a hurricane for a guy? It starts off fast, wet and wild, but ends up with him losing his house.

Wife to husband: “You’re going to be SO sorry. I’m going to leave you!” Husband, perplexed “Make up your mind, which is it going to be”

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None The old one’s probably in too tight and the new one won’t work nyway

Q. Why is a hospital gown similar to an insurance policy? A. You’re never as covered as you think you are

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

“Have you ever been a salesman before?” the boss asked during his interview.

“Yes, I was a salesman in Texas,” the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. “I’ll come and see how you made out after we close up,” the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o’clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. “How many sales did you make today?” the boss asked.

“One,” said the lad.

“One?” said the boss, obviously displeased. “Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Exactly $101,334.53,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the boss, flabbergasted.

“Well,” said the lad, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he’d probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn’t be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck and even some cheap insurance.”

“You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?” the boss asked in astonishment.

“He didn’t come in to buy a fish hook,” the Texas boy explained. “He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot. You might as well go fishing.’ ”

There are many ways to approach a diet. You can stop eating, you can stock up on the weight loss supplements or you can do what I do, and just memorise these excuses:

• But the doughnut was calling my name.
• But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
• I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
• Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
• Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Which technique do you prefer?

Doctor: How is the little boy who swallowed the £2 coin? Nurse: No change yet!

@CrixLee The old ones are the best

The owner of our local cinema died last night. The funeral will be held on Wednesday at 1:30, 4:00, 8:20 and 10:30

Q. What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A. Nacho cheese